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Why do we get so dang reactive when it comes to our relationships? I mean, why do we always think that we are right and defend ourselves at any cost?
It goes like this:
I was looking for an air mattress last night that my sister-in-law asked to borrow. I looked high and low. When I asked my oldest son, who what watching television, he snapped at me. That irritated me. I then asked my youngest son, who pretty much ignored me and went on about his business.
I knew that one of them knew where it was and I knew that I hadn’t pressed hard enough. So I started on a rampage through the house, closets, and storage. The longer it took the more irritable I became.
I attempted to ask the boys one more time and got the same, if not worse, response then the first time.
I got angrier, and more frustrated. When I finally found it, it was sandwiched between two large bags that my youngest son had stacked on top of each other several weeks ago when he was looking for something.
I blew a gasket. I knew that one of them knew where it was. I was so angry. I came in with both barrels loaded and was spitting fire.
My youngest son’s response was, “Why are you getting mad at me?” It went downhill from there.
The more I pressed my anger the more defensive he got. I was right and he was wrong. He should have told me. He should have helped me look for it. He should have been more sympathetic to my needs. I was right and he was wrong.
Slow down Hoss. Get off your high horse and take a step back.
Neither of my boys had my same agenda at that moment. Each of them was doing their own thing at the moment. People forget. Two weeks earlier when my youngest had moved the air mattress his focus wasn’t on the air mattress it was on something else.
But I turned it into WWIII. I was right and justified to boot. And I was going to get justice. I was going to be vindicated.
Whoa boy… slow down there. Sounds to me that you were being reactive; plain and simple.
That is exactly what it was. I was behaving like a horribly reactive jerk.
Let me help you break this down. I was creating. You get that don’t you? You can see that what I was creating was a mess? I was tearing down the relationship I have with my sons.
We are always creating. You cannot not create.
So what should I have done? What should a Creator do?
Creators recognize that they are always creating, and that being reactive almost always creates a mess, or almost always creates creations of distrust, disharmony, anger, frustration, and destruction.
Since Creators realize that they have the power to create valuable and important creations instead of choosing to react they choose to create.
I could have created a happy environment. I could have bribed my sons. I could have created a game of it, a competition. I could have created a teaching moment. I could have helped my sons with what they were doing and then have them help me.
Bottom line is …
I could have created an experience that strengthened our relationship. Instead I created a mess.
What are you creating with your relationships?
Everything is Starting to Make Sense
Listen to this guy for a few minutes and you begin to understand the secrets of the universe.
Doesn’t everything make sense now?
Creators Create While Right Fighters Fight
I don’t know who coined the phrase “right fighters,” but I bet if you’re reading this you know exactly the kind of people I’m talking about. Why, you might even be one of them. You see, a right fighter is someone who at all costs must be right.
A right fighter will sacrifice happiness, peace, friendship, and almost anything to be right. A right fighter will argue till the last drop of blood has been spilt. A right fighter would rather be right than happy.
Are you a right fighter?
When it comes to discussions with other people do you always have to be right? Do your ideas always have to be validated and heard? Does your need to be right become more important than your need to be happy? Or do you are erroneously belief that being right will make you happy?
I was once a right fighter. I used to sacrifice happiness all the time in order to prove my point’s, in order to be heard, or to be validated. It didn’t matter what I was fighting for I had to be right. I would fight with my mother, I would fight with my father, I would fight with my wife, I would fight with my coworkers, and anybody in order to be right. I didn’t care if I hurt other people’s feelings, it didn’t matter to me if I made others angry, all I really wanted was to be right.
Did I mention that I sacrificed my happiness? That was probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. I would fight to be right thinking that that would make me happy, but the truth was I never really was happy. I had conquered too many people, had fought with too many people in order to be right. And by the time the skirmishes were over there were way too many casualties to experience happiness.
So I ask you again, are you all right fighter?
Here’s a few signs that indicate that you might be a right fighter:
- You feel angry if people don’t listen to you
- You don’t listen to other people’s point’s of view
- You don’t care about other people’s ideas
- You think that your ideas are the only ones that matter
If you find yourself guilty of any of these then you might be a right fighter. I don’t want to insult you, so I’ll come right out and say it: being a right fighter is a very sad existence. Especially when being a right fighter destroys so many relationships.
But being the creator doesn’t destroy relationships but creates creation’s that strengthen, and improve, and bless relationships. You see, creators don’t have to be right. Creators create. Creators creates creation’s that are valuable and important not only to themselves but to other people in a relationships.
Let me give you a few ideas of creations that creators create:
- A beautiful day. The creator could decide to create a beautiful day starting with the very moment they wake up in the morning. They roll over and give their partner kiss and a gentle caress. And then in the shower they hum a happy tune, make a delicious breakfast, and then plan the rest of their beautiful day. Then today set out to create it.
- Give the gift of love. Creators create gifts of love for the other people in their relationship. These gifts of love are as simple as a smile or a get well card or a small Post-it note that says thank you, or I was thinking of you. These gifts of love could be a flower picked in the yard, or a funny joke to brighten someone’s day, or a piece of candy. It really doesn’t matter, these gifts of life are just random acts of creation.
- Yield the right-of-way. Since creators are more concerned about creating creations they are not so concerned with being right, therefore, it’s very easy for creators to allow others to be right. In fact, this yielding of being right is a very important piece in the process of creation. Creations require many different pieces in order to be complete, and most times other people’s insights and ideas are integral pieces to the finished creation.
- Joy. Creators love their creations, and bringing their creations into existence is more important than anything to a creator. The reason for this is that true creators experiences euphoria, joy, a happiness like no other when their creation finally exists.
Next time you feel the urge to be right, stop and think for a moment about the creation’s that you would rather create instead. I guarantee you if you create creations of value it won’t be so important to you anymore to be right.
Live Your Dreams
Are you living your dreams?
If the answer is no, then I ask “why not?” Life is short, and you never know when it will come to an end. Do you really want to have more woulda-coulda-shoulda’s at the end of your life then you have accomplishments?
Do you really want to say that you lived a life of unfulfilled dreams? But “hold it!” you say. “I’m waiting for the perfect time” or “I’m waiting for perfect circumstances”. You know the truth: all this waiting is an excuse not to go out and try.
Or, maybe it’s not that you are “waiting” per se, but rather that you are afraid.So, what are you afraid of? Are you afraid of making a mistake, or of making a wrong choice, or that you may not be good enough? And what if the people around you laugh at your dreams, or don’t support you? And what happens if you do end up living your dreams? Are you afraid that once you get there that you’ll have to live them? Meaning that what you’ve been talking about for so long will now come to fruition and you might not have what it takes to actually live inside the dream?
Fear is the number one reason that people do not live their dreams. Fear holds us all back, sometimes paralyzing us, preventing us from moving forward.
When you look back at your life, what do you want it to be about? Do you want to say, “I could have” or “I did”? The choice is yours, you actually get to decide.
So how do you get past your fears so you can live your dreams? Follow These Easy Steps:
1. Acknowledge That You Have Dreams: I meet so many people who say that they don’t have dreams or they can’t remember what they are. they have given up on them. But you know what? You know what your dreams are, you really do. You’ve just pushed them down so deep that it might take some time to bring them to the surface again. Let them out, you are worth it.
2. Write Down Your Dreams: How can you live your dreams if you can’t see what they are? Write them down. Don’t judge your dreams or wonder “how?” Get out a pen and paper and just do it! It is actually quite theraputic to write your dreams – once you get started you’ll see what I mean. Write to your hearts content!
3. Break Your Dreams Into Small Steps: it is said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step – so too with everything else in life all you have to do is take the first step. It doesn’t have to be large one. It just has to get you moving. Small steps will get you to your dreams. Until, one day, you realize that you are there.
4. Face The Barriers That Are Keeping You From Living Your Dreams: What’s keeping you from living your dreams? Not enough money or time? Too many responsibilities? Look for ways to overcome them. There will always be reasons not to work towards your dreams. It’s up to you if you want to give into these reasons or not.
5. Find People Who Will Support You: They should be people who love you and will cheer you on as you move toward your dreams. Tell them how much you love and appreciate them. You do not want to live your dreams by yourself. 6. Pat Yourself On The Back For Your Successes (Even if They Are Small): You deserve it! The fun part of living your dreams isn’t just the ending – enjoy the journey as well.
7. Recognize That Fear Will Not Go Away: There are times when you will wonder if you have what it takes to fulfill your dreams or if you deserve to live them. Fear is a normal part of human nature, so get used to it. If you just accept that fear is a natural part of the process then you don’t have to spend time worrying about it when it happens – you’ll know just what to do. The only way past fear is through it and not around it. You can do it!
My greatest advice to you is to feel the fear and live your dreams inspite of it! There are no guarantees, but the rewards are plentiful if you believe in yourself and keep on moving forward. No one is going to live your dreams for you. It’s up to you to create your own life. Why not have that life filled with dreams.
